Field Guide to Birds

Understandably, many bird field guides include little phrases to help you remember bird calls. Because writing "This bird kinda goes like 'wee wooo woowuhwoo woowuhwoo'" is just not going to cut it. Instead,  Chickadees say "Cheeseburger", Barred Owls say "Who Cooks for You?", and Nighthawks say "Beer". You know, intuitive things birds would say.

These are helpful, not in helping me correctly identify birds, but in teaching me nonsensical phrases. Show me a picture of an owl and "Who Cooks For You?" is pretty useless unless the picture happens to be of a Barred Owl (the phrase doesn't let me know what it looks like). Also, have you ever heard an actual Barred Owl call? It doesn't sound like it's saying anything. I fully expected it to sound like it was concerned about who cooks for me, but it just sounds like a messed up owl. It seems like birders are trying way too hard to make every single bird vaguely say something. I mean, back in my day a Great Horned Owl said "Who Who Who", and not THIS:

I decided I should take this whole thing to the next logical step and humanize these birds a little more. Give 'em a little personality. So, here are a few entries from the deranged bird guide in my mind to help you on your next bird watching adventure.

GRACKLE

BARN SWALLOW

CHIPPING SPARROW

~AM