Alternative Halloween

As I was trying to rest my weary eyes one August afternoon, a random question came into my head: Are there people out there who make their kids dress up as biblical figures for Halloween? 

This thought plagued me, so I got up and did a little google search. What I found were dozens of websites dedicated to "Fun Christian Halloween Alternatives". Their mantra? "While Halloween celebrates death and demonic spirits, why not throw a party for your kids celebrating life and the King of Kings!"

Even though I'm very sure I'll never find myself celebrating Halloween in a "fun Christian way", I started to wonder what might happen if I ever tried to....

Right. So, apparently the first thing I need to do is hang up Christmas lights instead of "traditional scary Halloween decorations".

Then I need to follow bunch of spoilsports to a Christian Halloween costume contest party......A BIBLICAL HEROES COSTUME CONTEST! I'm guessing there will be a lot of  people dressed as Jesus.

Turns out, Lucifer is not a costume that is commonly worn.

But I guess you can dress up as knights, princesses, veggietales, positive figures or..... "bible man characters"??? So not any women from the bible? Because they're all basically just prostitutes and servants, right? Jesus Christ.

 Or you could just look like an idiot and dress up as the Bible. I guess that's cool too.

Then after that, I'm sure we can all agree that the best activity of the Halloween season is sitting around the campfire, roasting some marshmallows, and telling some scary-....wait, we can't tell scary stories? We really have to tell Bible stories? Right. Fine. Because those aren't scary at all.

However, if your church is super involved, your congregation can throw a Noah's Ark party! I have to be honest, what I came up with in my head is a lot more fun/realistic sounding than what the actual description of Noah's Ark party really is. It really bummed me out. I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say it seemed more like VBS, and less like a reenactment.

Oh but wait! If I still wanted to go trick-or-treating...I can do so. All I have to do is dress up as a biblical hero, refuse all candy, and hand out candy with "witnessing stickers" to every home I visit!
So okay, I was pretty snarky about all this. It's just weird to me that there are actually parents who are making their kids partake in these alternative activities while the other kids are NOT out worshiping the devil and other demonic spirits. They're just getting a bunch of candy and dressing up as Willy Wonka because it's usually socially unacceptable to do so on any other day!..........I'll explain another time.

But perhaps there are some kooky Christian kids who do enjoy this Alternative Halloween stuff. Whatever floats their ark, I guess.

Just count me out of it.

~AM

Chicken Foot

One day in college after I was done showering, I walked past something that, at a glance, looked remarkably like a chicken foot. It was just sitting there on the floor in the shower across from me.

Now, I highly doubt there was actually a chicken foot randomly lounging about on the shower floor. I didn't bother to take a closer look though because, for some odd reason, I really wanted to believe that is what it was.

So in my mind, I totally saw a severed chicken foot on the floor that day.

~AM

Bugs Make Me Feel Like I'm Dying

Perhaps it's just me,  but I have a serious issue with bugs. I can't stand bugs crawling around in my domain. When I see them, I become paralyzed and my body tricks me into thinking I'm about to die. So that's fun.

I also once realized that if there was ever a large bug crawling on me, I would probably rip my arm off with no hesitation. How do I know this? Well, one day, I felt something weird on my arm. Thinking it was a bug, I started the flail my arm about in a terrified frenzy. I effectively pulled most of the muscles in my arm before I realized that there was no bug, it was my own hair that brushed against my arm. 

Yeah, I have some real issues with bugs.

Not too long ago, I came walking home. It was a Friday night. I didn't feel up to doing anything. I had been through a long day. I had just got done walking through cold rain. All I really wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed. When I opened my closet door, I was greeted by this:

Well, in my mind that is what my closet looked like. I have been known to hallucinate bugs everywhere. I'm pretty sure it was just one really fast bug....and it had me convinced that all that scary bastard really wanted to do was to crawl into my mouth and eat whatever it is bugs like to eat. 

I slammed the door and paced around my room hysterically whispering death threats to the bug in the closet. I tried to man up and just rid of the damn thing, but every time I opened the closet door.....

With my body slowly convincing me I was about to die at any second, I was soon reduced to a weeping mass clinging to a swifer. 

After my panic attack, I actually started to get really pissed. I wasn't going to let that bug make me look like a fool. I was going to show that damn bug who was the boss. My plan was to open the closet door and smack that sucker with my swifer until it was dead. I started getting myself pumped up. I was swearing like a sailor, and I didn't care who heard it. I just wanted that goddamn bug dead.

I opened the closet door and started moving things around while calling out to the bug: "come here you little piece of s***". Nothing. The bug was nowhere to be found.

For the next week I was terrified at where the bug could possibly be. For all I knew it was making a nest somewhere. That's all I needed. More bugs.

I still haven't found that bug...but I'll be ready when it comes around again. Maybe.

Or not. 

~AM

Cold Showers Bring Many Cowers

So, I'm the type of person who cares about the world. This means I occasionally find myself in classes such as Conservation Biology. Normally, environmental studies classes are filled with gloom and doom and the realization that we're pretty much screwed.

Last week, I documented how I'm destroying the earth with my wasteful and unsustainable modern lifestyle. This week, I'm supposed to make a difference and be super nice to the earth and document the results.  Now, being a little environmentalist-in-training, I was all over that.

I was fairly positive I could survive one week without meat and other highly processed foods. I even had faith that I could cut down my energy and water consumption. However, there was one thing on the list I wasn't sure about: Not taking hot showers.

For me, hot showers are a way to procrastinate, a place to ponder major life decisions, and a way to just unwind. It's right up there with sleeping for things I look forward to in a day. I was highly doubtful a cold shower was going to produce the same atmosphere. Naturally, I became slightly worried about what a cold shower could possibly do to my mental state. I was fidgety and nervous all day just thinking about it. My friends didn't help my worrying much either.

When shower time finally came around, I decided to man up and face it. I turned on the cold water....

 After getting over the initial shock of the cold water, I finally took a shower that was filled with quiet, shivering shame. I felt miserable.

 I survived though. This time, at least. I have no idea what 6 more days of this is going to do to me.

Yay earth?

~AM